An introverted office drone tries to navigate through corporate America, and one tragic day he meets his match. He then realizes he needs to play the capitalistic game to survive. His pain and suffering is your laughter.
Steve Jobless was written, directed, filmed, and edited by Chad Micah Johnson. He also acted in Steve Jobless.
This blog might be long or short. I will not know until I’m done. My name is Chad Johnson, I live in Kansas City, Missouri. I grew up in Iowa (I’ll never live there again), I’m 57 years old and I have been diagnosed with Autism, Hyperactive ADHD, Anxiety, and possible Clinical Depression. I have been living with these mental health issues my whole life and I never knew about it nor received any help. How did I get here at this time in my life? I have faked it and dealt with it my whole life, in 2016 I had stage 4 Thyroid cancer. Having your Thyroid removed affects your mood and activity levels (exercising), so these mental health issues started bothering me more and more. So I decided to see a psychiatrist to figure out why I think the way I do and act the way I do. After multiple sessions with questions and tests, I was told what I have, and what I have been dealing with my whole life.
I have also had 5-7 concessions. 3 of them, before I was 5. 2 of them, happened within a month when I was 3 years old. I hit my head so hard those two times, I had staples put in with no X-rays. The 3rd one I hit my head so hard I started puking, was given soup, and told not to sleep. My 4th one I hit my forehead so hard my eyes swelled shut, my nose swelled up, and I couldn’t eat for days since my jaws hurt. still no X-rays with those hits.
When I was a child I always felt different. I could never put my finger on it, something was missing, I felt off. It has always bothered me my whole life. I have had internal arguments and constant fighting between my autism side and my ADHD side ( most people who have both also have Anxiety due to internal struggles). Even when I’m “happy”, I’m not happy. I used to tell my parents I felt like I was adopted, that I didn’t feel like I was part of the family. Certain smells would make me so sick I would almost puke, other smells I would keep smelling for as long as I could. I even said I wanted to talk to someone about the way I felt and the way I would think and act. I was told to shut the hell up, to deal with it, that there was nothing wrong with me. I would then bury my head in a pillow and scream and kick until I couldn’t anymore. On weekends I would sleep 14-16 hours a day so I didn’t have to deal with the internal fights. I hated school with a passion, being around a lot of people sucked and still sucks. If I have to be around a lot of people I try to be off in the distance unless I’m the center of attention, then I can act out. So I would be the “class clown’ to deal with not wanting to be at school. I had teachers hit me, throw me around, put me in the hallways, in the closest, or send me to the principles office. I was told I was difficult, not normal, and a disruption. I would work out till I couldn’t move at times to drown the internal fighting between my autism and ADHD. I have been through so many jobs, I can’t even begin to tell you how many. Most people with these mental health issues have a high I.Q… My grades in school were horrible because I was dealing with these issues, and the teachers bored me to death. The teachers in grade school held me back after kindergarten saying I was out of control, it was a grade called readiness class, it was between kindergarten and 1st grade. I even served in the military working with nukes.
As a child, I had issues with talking. No one could understand what I was saying until I was about 4 years old. Before that, I kept thinking, “Why can’t these people understand what I’m saying”? Now as an adult when I daydream or go into a trance, I’ll notice that when I come back to reality I’m either moving a body part in a repetitive motion or I’m rocking/swaying. I talk to myself out loud all of the time, so much so that I don’t even know I’m doing it until I carry on two conversations. If I’m fixated on an issue or concentrating I’ll rub my head or arms over and over and over. You can be talking to me and I will not even know it at times due to the fact that my mind is doing other things. Sometimes in the middle of a conversation, I’ll just walk away. It looks like I’m not interested, the reality is my brain is doing other things. At the end of every conversation, I always wonder if I said the right thing or if I pissed the person off. I can never tell. If people laugh, I know I made them laugh, but I don’t know why they are laughing. Are they laughing with me, at me, at something I said, or how I’m acting.
I was made fun of and called names, I’m even called names to this day for the way I am. I have been called strange, an idiot, a moron, difficult, uneducated, an oddball, a retard, a clown, lazy, a weirdo, not normal, awkward, a know it all when I’m actually a dumbass, a control freak, a tattle tale, that I had anger issues, and so on. I was called these names by classmates, coworkers, “friends”, and family. People would make fun of the way I talked and the way I think. That goes on to this day, and I’m 57.
I have had internal storms every day of my life. I learned to act and fake everything. I’m horrible with relationships and dates. I can never tell if a woman likes me or if she is just being nice. It’s been that way my whole life. Maybe that is why I love acting so much, it’s a time I don’t have to fake it. I can let my ADHD, Autism, and anxiety have fun all at the same time. I always feel like I say the wrong things and that sets off the internal fights. There are times I can’t stop talking, then there are times I shut down and not say a damn word. That has happened a lot in relationships and when I shut down, the ladies would think I was no longer interested in them. That would cause problems, that’s why I’m alone all of the time, to avoid this. I hate how I feel inside. I hope to find a therapist to help rewire my mind, but that may not happen since none of these issues have ever been addressed.
I’m not a fan of being touched on my arms, hands, feet, and lower legs. My personal bubble is 10-15 feet, not the 3 feet that are “normal”. As I’m typing this blog, my mind is not here, it’s thinking of other things. I have no idea how I get through the day, yet I can be very focused and not know it. I repeat myself a lot, at times I do it so much it has pissed people off, mainly family. I started noticing the repeat issue when I started writing scripts for film/video.
I can be thinking about the left field (ADHD) while being totally focused on an issue while working in a certain manner (my autism side). If my Autism side wins, my ADHD side is pissed. If my ADHD side wins, my Autism side is pissed. Either way, it sets off Anxiety and Depression. I have had many people ask why I’m pissed. In my mind, I have never been pissed because This feeling has always been my “normal” me. I have taught myself how to hide all of this in public, except for my facial expressions. People think I’m mad, when in fact I’m at war within my own body.
When I was in the military I was drug tested every month for the way I acted and what I would say. People in the military joked that if I did drugs I would be normal acting. My parents would ask me if I was on Drugs when I was in Jr. high for how I acted and what I would say.
I feel like I have left so much out, yet I feel like I have said too much. I want to make videos about this. I want others to know you are not alone. I wonder if my life would be different or better if I got the help I needed as a child. That’s something I will never know. I do know I am who I am and that’s that!
I’m a survivor. I could have ended up on drugs, homeless, or in prison since I have never received any mental health help dealing with Autism, Hyperactive ADHD, Anxiety, and possible Clinical Depression for over 55 years. The depression can disappear once I am given guidance.
Before I go into my way of thinking, I need to say that I’m a huge Iowa Hawkeye fan when it comes to college sports. With that being said let me say what has been on my mind. When I first saw the taunting Caitlin did in a few videos my first thoughts were; why do this, just let your playing do the talking. You’re getting too big of an ego this will bite you in the ass sooner rather than later. I never said anything to anyone since I thought the team would not make it past the Sweet 16 ( we are talking about the Hawkeyes, and only the wrestling program does well in tournaments). Man was I wrong about that in this case.
When I watched the Championship game and at the end of the game Angel Reese mocking Caitlin at first I thought nothing of it. Then the sportscast team kept it on repeat and kept saying did she just do that to Caitlin? From the time I left the sports bar to the time I got home and then saw what was being said and posted about this on the internet ( Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter), I could not believe what I was reading with the vile comments from all sides (LSU is too diverse, Iowa is too white) Comments that Caitlin had white woman tears (when at the time she said nothing about the taunting and uncalled for to be saying that about her), Angel was a thug and ghetto (totally uncalled for to be saying that about her, she is a competitive basketball player).
I then took the bait and bit into it myself going down the rabbit hole and started commenting. When I played sports taunting the other team only happened during the games. When the games ended there was an “unwritten rule” about sportsmanship and to not let the taunting continue. I personally was never into taunting others, I liked to let my playing do the talking. I always thought to myself if I taunt others, the day I mess up it will be rubbed in my face, yet I get that it is a part of sports. When I was reading how The taunting happened after the game, that’s when I started saying what Angel did was unsportsmanlike, since I was still in the mindset of my days in sports (30-plus years ago). What was grossing me out over all of this was the names being thrown at everyone from all sides of this issue. For me, race was not even an issue, yet people were trying to put words into my mouth and assuming something that was not correct.
I kept noticing something was missing from every post and comment on the internet, the outstanding play from Alexis Morris and Jasmine Carson. Those two Student Athletes alone took down Iowa ( they accounted for over 45% of LSU’s points from scoring and assists). So I then tried to change the narrative in posts or comments whether on my posts or other people’s posts. Watching Jasmine not miss a shot was hurting me as a Hawkeye fan, yet I was enjoying seeing her excitement and happiness after every shot she made. I was very happy for her as an athlete and hurting inside for the Hawkeyes (they didn’t have an answer for her or Alexis). Alexis was very quiet and sneaky with her way of taking down Iowa ( Iowa didn’t have an answer for her either). The interaction about those posts or comments was minimal to nothing, everyone was still being vile.
A few days later there were interviews with both Caitlin and Angel (separate interviews of each player). Both women said they have no issues or hate with each other, they both respect and like each other. Caitlin even said she had no issue with what Angel did even though it was after the game, she said it’s what makes playing the game fun. That is when my mind changed and came to the year 2023, the “unwritten rule” of taunting when the game is over no longer is in play. If the athletes are cool with it, then I’m cool with it, and everyone else should be cool with it. Heck players taunt each other on Twitter or Instagram, so it’s a 24/7 thing now. LOL. Times have changed and so should the mindset of the fans, media, and the internet. Even after both of their interviews some people still stand strong on their stance on this issue.
I truly hope this is a teachable moment and this does not happen again. On a side note, South Carolina and the coaches are extremely humble even though they won 42 games in a row. That needs to be out there as well, yet it’s not. They could have been the cockiest team, yet they are just the complete opposite.
I am going to ask a few questions for the reader to answer themselves. Are there people mad that a white woman is doing so well, breaking records, and getting so much attention? Are people mad that a black woman is doing well, breaking records and on a national championship team, and that she taunted a white woman? Who is to blame for both issues? Is it the “media”, is it the internet, is it society, is it yourself? Remember, both of these women respect each other, like each other, and LOVE playing against each other. America needs to stop being so angry in general. Racism and prejudice in this country still exist and That needs to end. I personally find it disgusting, gross, and uncalled for.
With that being said, I’m going to bring my 4-year-old granddaughter’s mindset into this. I think we all can learn from others, even 4-year-olds. She plays soccer and every time she scores people will cheer for her. She then starts to cry. She was asked why she cries. Her answer was cheering is unnecessary all because she kicks a ball. When I saw her a few days ago I told her she keeps getting better and better at soccer, and she just smiled. Then she asked me “if I like her new fake glasses”?, ( that’s what she calls sunglasses). I said yes. She then asked me “if I liked her fake new glasses case”? I said yes. She then pointed to her shoes and said ” I have new shoes, do you like them”? I said yes I do.
The moral of the story about my granddaughter’s mindset is that there’s more to life than sports. I think we all can take that lesson from my granddaughter and use it in our own lives.
I started a new blog site that has all of the sitcom episodes I am in. The link is below, it would be highly advised to go and subscribe so you can watch off of the funny short sitcoms. More to come each week.
I have been wanting to write this for some time now. I finally have the time and I am emotionally ready to write this. Back in October 2018 My mother called and said that Grandma is in the hospital and she is very sick. We all were thinking and hoping she would be out in a few days. That was not the case. She progressively became sicker as time went on. I was sad to hear this because my Grandma was such a caring and loving lady. She lived a simple life yet she knew how to handle her business while making things happen with what she had in her life. My grandmother even owned her own hair salon back when women were to just stay home and cook. She was always ahead of her time. She loved life and everyone regardless of who, what, or where they came from.
October 19th, 2018 my mother said that the doctor told her that Grandma K may not make it past the weekend. I started to cry ( I’m getting choked up writing this, this is tough). I texted my mom asking if I can talk to grandma K one more time. She said yes. I was trying so hard to not cry or sound sad when my mom called so I could talk to grandma K ( I am wiping tears off my face now as I type this). When my mother handed the phone to my grandmother, my grandmother asked: “is this Chad”? Even at the age of 100 yrs and 6 months while not doing so well she still could tell I was on the other end of the phone. Throughout life when I would call her she always would say: “this must be Chad”, then she would laugh, she loved to laugh. She could always tell who I was by the sound of my voice.
The first thing she said to me while taking deep breaths while in the hospital bed was: ” Chad you need to go take care of your granddaughter and daughter, be the best grandfather and father you can possibly be”. I was hyperventilating, I didn’t want her to know how sad I was while she was in the state she was in. It was the toughest phone call yet the most important loving phone conversation. Grandma K then proceeded to say: ” she was the best mom she could have been, she did her best and raised her children the best she could, being a good parent is the most important thing in life”. In the background, I heard my mom and her sister ( I could not tell who it was) say:” you are the best mom and you did an outstanding job raising us kids ( while they were sniffling from the sadness). Grandma K then said: “you need to get off the phone and go take care of your lovely family, I’ll be okay, do not worry about me”. The phone call lasted 3 minutes, the saddest yet the best 3-minute phone call I will have for a very long time.
Man, this is so tough to type, the tears are flowing like a flooded river!
Even in the last few hours of my grandmothers’ life, she was talking about family. She didn’t utter a word about, money, jobs, cars, clothes, houses, bank accounts, or anything else that would not go with her in the afterlife.
To her family and the way you treat others was the most important thing in life. So important that is all she talked about with me on the last phone call I had with her on October 19th,2018. I wish everyone in this world would act like Grandma K. We can all learn from her.
I feel like she is still watching over me even though she passed away early in the morning of October 21st,2018. She loved Butterflies. This summer I have seen more butterflies than I have in the last 30 years, some even will follow me when I’m outside walking or be on my car as I drive. Some people believe cardinals are family members watching over them, in this case, it’s butterflies, Grandma K loved butterflies.
Let’s all act like Grandma K and remember what’s important in life: The way we treat others with kindness and making sure family comes before material items.
Recently there has been a huge outcrying from White supremacists concerning statues (on top of their obvious hate towards others). These fools say that these statutes relating to the civil war are a part of history. They are a part of history, and a negative part at that. There is another part of our history , that’s shitting our diapers as children. Do we hold onto that part of history? Hell no, unless you are a white supremacist I guess.
The only reason these fools want to keep these negative eyesores out in the public for display, is for intimidation purposes only. History is written in words. But then again most white supremacists can not read. These fools want to keep intimidating ugly eyesores out in the open only to make them feel empowered. They are losing their “white superiority ” status, this is their last cry for power. There are places in the south that still have “whites only “, “colored only” signs. Why? Intimidation, nothing more, nothing less. Fredericksburg, Virginia still has slave auction blocks on display in some of their parks. Why? Intimidation purposes only. It has nothing to do with history. History can be read, and should be. Words make you think, images are to stimulate your emotions, good or bad. If you read about a naked man or woman, it makes you think. If you see a naked man or woman, it gets you stimulated. Same thing for these negative ugly history images that the white supremacists love.
These ugly eyesores are in the same category as a diaper full of shit. You throw away the shit filled diaper, or you will get a rash and smell up the place. Same Thing for these ugly racist historic images, they will cause a rash among Americans and stink up the place. They need to go, unless you are a white supremacists with a diaper full of shit.
I do not want to go back to shit filled diapers. I also do not think most humans want to go back to the days of these racist images.
WORDS DO MATTER.
Its messed up with what happened to the congressmen/ladies and the cops in DC. There’s no excuse, except nuts should not be allowed to own guns. Liberals have been saying this for years.
Ted Nugent of all people is saying “maybe we need to tone down the rhetoric”. He is the same guy who said that president Obama and Hillary can suck on his gun, and other threats. Sarah Palin had a poster of bulls-eyes on congressmen, one of them was the guy who was shot in the hip.
Us “snowflake” liberals have been saying for years that this kind of talk, behavior is not acceptable. No one on the other-side of the tracks said a word, but called us names all day long. Now that someone got attacked by a nut-job, it needs to be toned down? It should have been toned down a long time ago. We have a sitting president who said he could still win if he shot someone on 5th ave. and his supporters cheered.
Political correctness and being polite does matter.
Yet still liberals are being called all kinds of names and that we are all terrorists, all because of one asshole. What about the ALT right, racist hate groups who support the president and have been killing people due to their race, and/or religion?
This has to stop. WORDS DO MATTER!!!!!
This blog is about ending racism. It is so easy to point out racism or wrong doings of other ethnic groups. Doing so diverts attention from the real issue, that’s racism within your own ethnic group. Every ethnic group has some form of racism, but to deny it or not fight it is saying you agree with racism. The fastest way to accept bad behavior is to keep quiet.
I know I am not the only one who has been told that I am the reason racism is alive, that I am the one race baiting. What I do will point out the racist ways within my ethnic group , others in my ethnic group tell me to shut up about it, and then racism will go away. I disagree with that logic. It is the same logic of letting your child mouth off or call the other parent names while you sit back and say nothing. When both parents do not band together, the child thinks the quiet parent agrees with that child’s bad behavior. That way of thinking only allows the child to act worse day after day.
If you want racism to end, you have to address the cancer within your ethnic group.When you have a medial issue, do you address it and fix it, or do you ignore it thinking it will go away? When you see it, you have to step up and call the person(s) out and stand up for the victim. It’s not a hard concept to do, it’s just a hard concept to accept.
We as humans need to get rid of this cancer in our own ethnic groups, so stand up and end it in your ethnic group. Stop ignoring it , it will not go away unless you chase it away.
Daydreamer ***
Daydreamer *** 